i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wish my penis had a tongue
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
