I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
