I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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