last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
