Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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