I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize