____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
