just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
