he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
