her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
