Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
