you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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