Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
