I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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