Im at strip club and am horny
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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