she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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