There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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