I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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