my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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