i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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