if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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