hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
