when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
