Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
