Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
