I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
