come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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