so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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