dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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