ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
