I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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