i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
