Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
