I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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