I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
