Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
