i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
