dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
