mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
