very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize