No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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