Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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