You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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