At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
