Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
