He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
