At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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