god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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