Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
