shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
