went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
