dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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