If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
