I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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