sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
