I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
