Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
