I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize