So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
