seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
