I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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