My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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