He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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