she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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