Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just found puke in my bra..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
