apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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