He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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