How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
